So this weekend was thanksgiving, filled with lots of yummy food and time with family. This last weekend also marked 10 years married to my honey.

I am so blessed, I am so thankful to have man that accepts me with all my scars and baggage. I continue to change but at the same time he accepts that I will always be the same person at the core- I don't need to change who I am for him. He knows me and theres a comfort and security in that.

He's my best friend and the most giving person I know. It's never about him, but more about what he can give- which I think is what makes us so great... it's him.
Me, well I will admit I am a taker in alot of ways... I guess thats why it works for us.

It's been a difficult year on so many levels- but incredible on so many more.

This year he went all out and got me a little something... fabulous isn't it? I LOVE it!

I want to dedicate this song to my hubby- I love you!!!

We adopted... A puppy! Her name is cleo she is a miniature dachshund, she is so adorable!

Anyway this will be as close as we will get to adopting, we have officially canceled the adoption. I am a little sad but at some point I had to admit that it wasn't a smart move for us financially. I am good- I am happy. I don't have victory over my problem- but I have found victory in it. We all love those stories where the tears, grief and heartache end with answered prayers- but sometimes this is not what got has planned for us. This is how things have played out for me- and I have accepted it.

I am not fostering, not getting pregnant, not adopting- this is it. and I'm alright with it MOST of time...(I admit I have my moments).
I am keeping it simple and choosing to make the most of what I have- which is alot.

Life is a bit tough right now, I wish I could go into the reasons why- but I am not ready to post it on a public forum yet. What I will say is changes are coming- and the stress of it is killing me.
Ever have a time in life when you had so much going on that it keeps you up at night? Thats what the last month has been for me- and I wouldn't be surprised if it continued until it's all over.
Anyway guess I am not sure why I bothered saying anything- all I know is I am thrilled, excited and terrified all at the same time.

Anyway I'll leave with pictures from our summer, it has been one of the best summers yet. Good weather, great holidays, & fabulous memories.

It's so hard to turn your life over
Step out of your comfort zone
It's so hard to choose one direction
When your future is unknown

Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.

Are we, are we all really slaves?
By the hands of ourselves
Did I really make all of those mistakes?
Am I really getting older?
Then why do I feel so lost?

Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.

And at the end of the road, is there someone waiting?
Do I get a medal for surviving this long?

Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.

Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon?
And tell me this was just a game we played, called life.

So life has been busy and full- but you couldn't tell by this blog. It's about time that I post an update. Here is a bit of what happened in the last couple of months.

My baby girl turned 7 in may

Also in May my sister came to visit

So did my Dad and his girlfriend

June was school windup and class trips- I went with my daughters class trip to the farm

So it's been a good couple of months- and the summer should continue to be a good one. We are planning to Head to Alberta for holidays this year, and I am also hoping to head down to Ontario to visit family.

But not everything is all roses- tomorrow we are saying goodbye to our foster daughter. We are happy to see her reunited with her family- but we will miss her. It's a tough one... but like usual we will get through it.

With all the kids that have come and gone and despite the challenges fostering brings- we will continue to love foster children like our own. God's plans cannot be thwarted and I truly believe fostering was in His plan for us. No matter what I AM blessed- I get to wake up to this every morning...

Thank you Lord- you are SO good!

Fighting with myself seems to be a reoccurring theme these days, I feel frustrated and conflicted about the choice to put the adoption on hold. I think this is a dream I am supposed to walk away from, but then a part of me wonders "what if I am making the wrong choice?"

I know realistically and in fact it is better that I walk away from this- however the selfish part of me is grieving. I have been feeling such deep sadness, I don't know where to leave myself. I am trying to keep my emotions in check- but they feel like they are going to burst, much like the rain clouds hovering in the sky right now.

To be honest there still feels like there is someone missing in our family- but with that said I know that I can be content with my two kids. I think I just need to accept that it may always feel like there is someone missing- because there is. I have 10 beautiful babies in heaven right now and I feel homesick to see them.

I think I need to accept that a part of me will always be grieving for what could have been- whether we adopt or not. God has been pulling me back to reality and I can see how blessed I am- I am fighting to claim joy for my life and discard the sadness that just wont leave.

This has been a confusing journey and I no idea when the next turn will come or what God has planned for us. I am hanging onto God trusting that somehow He knows what He is doing.

My hands are open to what God wants for us- in the meantime I'll let this sadness come and go. There is no point in fighting it- emotions are like waves, and if history has taught me anything it will leave as swiftly as it came.

So I was reading up on some of my old blog posts today- have you ever done that? It was back all the way from 2007, I had a good chuckle at some of them- I sounded like such a dork! You could definitely see how immature I was in my posts. Sifting through years of post I noticed how inconsistent and up and down I was. There was a recurring theme of learning and re-earning lessons- thinking I had "arrived" at some big revelation or something big... only to repeat it or relapse in old feelings the next month. It's all the same...

I do have to give myself credit- I was seeking God and trying to follow his will... in the midst of being a hormonal monster. Pushing through life with the mess of hormones is hard enough- and I will say in the whole mess of it, I did good.

When I look back though I do have one regret, I was TOO open. I cannot believe how open I was- I was essentially naked for all too see. I don't feel the need to be open nowadays. I think thats when blogging about my life took a boring turn... ;)

Anyway reading all these posts got me thinking... I lived for years thinking that any day/month God was going to answer my prayers when it came to getting pregnant. That day never came... and I wonder was it God's plan for that day to never come? Or does He have something else in mind for us? Now don't get crazy- I am not hinting anything, just thinking (thinking's good right?). Frankly, I don't really care what happens I am happy with whatever path God has us on- I am done with trying to manipulate God. As long as He is in charge I am all good, maybe I don't know what I am saying but I say it with full sincerity.

I realize that for some people that morning never comes- and when life gives you strawberries make jam! I have accepted that God has passed over me- and chosen to bless others (and not me) in regards to blessing them with more children, and thats okay. Come to think of it I have encountered not one person who wanted another child (or even one) who has not eventually gotten what they asked for. Thats mind boggling- God is good!

I am thankful God answers prayer for some... I am not sure why He doesn't answer for others. The thought comes to mind though- did I do something wrong? Why did my prayers remain unanswered? Or were they answered just not in the way I thought, and this is just what He wanted for me all along?

Am I bitter?... maybe. Am I angry, I'll admit it I am sometimes. These are areas thats are still a work in progress- my heart is changing slowly.
What I can say is that MOST of the time I am seeing what I have (instead of what I don't) and it's great. I see what I am able to do- and I am definitely able to be a better mom to two than I could be to three or four children. I am noticing that I DO have other dreams I would life to fulfill- I am not just a mom and I can see myself outside of motherhood now as well. I like the Me God is shaping in me, and I like the idea of watching my kids grow- and moving onto new seasons.

This is a place I never thought I'd be... and I am sure I am not the only one. There are many people in my church body who have unfulfilled dreams- and they ultimately had to them give up and accept God's will for them instead. It really is a good place to be.

Quite honestly I don't like being up and down, but I am an imperfect human. This blog will continue to reflect the struggle I have as I choose to accept God will and relinquish my own (isn't that ALL of our lives as Christians??)

Reading my old posts has encouraged me to keep writing- because it's good to look back and see how far I've have come, and also see a few things I'd change. I am not as open- but definitely more tactful. I can still share the lessons I have learned without bearing my whole soul to the world.

I feel like I have matured and overcome so much- that how could I possibly ever look back on this post and think "man I sound so naive and immature". But I felt the same way back then- so It's a high probability that I will look back and laugh at everything I have to say.

I look forward to the next ten years, and discovering me... the wiser me.

There is so much going on right now, I don't really want to talk about it. But I need to, so here goes...

We put our adoption on hold.
There, it's out. This was my choice- and I feel like I am walking in in the right direction. Please don't see this as bad news- because it's anything but bad news!

God has been transforming my heart lately- it's been good and hard all at the same time. Most days I feel free and happy- but today my heart feels heavy because of my decision. A small part of me wants to continue the adoption process- but that would be pure selfishness on my part.

God is leading us in a completely direction that I never thought I would go- a life that includes my hubby, my two beautiful kids- and a life relocated in my home province.

God answered a big prayer of mine in the last couple of months- I am now content with my life for the first time in years. I have two beautiful kids... and thats the number it will stay at (unless God has other plans- he's not telling us about). I am happy with all that God has given me- and if he chooses to give me more thats up to Him, I am done fighting for it- I surrender to God's will COMPLETELY.

I have been learning what in means to find my joy in God, and my eyes were opened to the fact that I cannot get fulfillment apart from Christ. I'm letting go and moving onto new dreams. I look forward to creating memories with my little family and doing some traveling. I'd like to go to school to pursue graphic design- and eventually open my own graphic design business. I am also turning 30 this year and I am looking forward to life slowing down a bit, we may continue to foster... depending if God chooses to bring any children our way. But if He doesn't thats okay, Like I said my hands are open to God and what HE wants for us.

Our adoption will remain on hold for another 6 months and then will be closed for good after that, unless God tells us to open it back up. If you would pray for us as we seek God's direction in our lives- that would be much appreciated.

We would have been excited about this:

if it hadn't been this:

Yep I had an ectopic pregnancy, and let me tell you the pain is horrendous!
A week after we got our foster baby, I had some unusual bleeding about a week after my period had finished. So I took a pregnancy test (pictured above) and it came back positive.
We were cautiously excited- this isn't something we had planned but we were trying to be optimistic nonetheless.
A few days later the cramping began- and I just thought I was just miscarrying again, and like usual we thought it would just take it course and work itself out on it's own. Well the pain just got worse and worse- until this last Saturday I went to the hospital in excruciating pain.
The doctors did nothing at first because my HCG levels was not displaying like a textbook ectopic, because they were already dropping instead of rising. But finally I got in for a ultrasound and there it was (I could even see it)- a bulge in my fallopian tube with the remnants of a pregnancy.
By the time I had my ultrasound my body had thankfully taken care of the pregnancy before it ruptured my tubes- all that was left was clots and blood.
Right now they are monitoring me closely as I am still bleeding internally- but I am so thankful that I was able to avoid emergency surgery.
So we are now looking into a permanent solution to ensure pregnancy doesn't happen again, as my risk of having another ectopic is higher and not only that I just keep miscarrying anyway. Plus I think it's time- and it would be stupidity on my part to do nothing.
So thats been my week so far, I am still in alot pain. I feel like I just gave birth to a ten pound baby or something- but I can tell I am healing.
Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me- I really appreciate it.

So this post is a big contrast from my last post- because we got another foster baby! We haven't really been open for new cases- but then we got a call for a baby girl who needs a home for a month or two, it was a perfect fit for us. This Happened Feb 14th and we are adjusting well.

I never thought how healing it would be to hold a baby again- not only for me but also for my daughter. And it's amazing how much you can love someone you just met.

God knew how overwhelming our wait was becoming- and I had prayed for the possibility to foster in the meantime. I prayed if that He wanted me to foster, he would bring a baby our way. A week after I prayed this- I got the call, God is so good!

So I don't have too much to say except that I am exhausted... Being up at night has been quite the adjustment- but I am loving it! It's a happy exhaustion.

Thanks for your prayers everyone- I am so blessed by your support!